Have you ever sat in a room full of people eating and drinking coffee when you are starving? Not just hungry but starving… where you don’t really remember the last time you ate, or when you will again. I think it is its own special kind of hell.
Accomplished so far this weekend.
Daily devotional done each day.
Washed my sheets.
Cleaned my room.
Cleaned & sanitized the cat boxes [there are 3]
Completed my Qigong project.
Calmed a friend down from a manic mood.
95% done with my Spa project.
Off & On studying for finals.
Completed study guides
Highlighted and went over important areas that will be on the test.
Wrote out a relationship expectation list.
Exercised Cinder every day
Read 9 Chapters of the 4th Gor book
Practised my Qigong body work presentation
My parents told me when I started school that I would have until August/September to finish school, get my license, start working, get a car, and then get my own place. Okay that is tight but feasible…. Today… Mom decides to tell me that they have decided that they are probably going to move in June/July…. I do not even finish school until the end of May…. I plan on taking my test in April/May and long as I pass it then it should take 1-2 months for me to receive it. So if I take my test at the end of April I might have my test back when I finish school at the end of May.
My anxiety is now shooting through the roof at the thought that I have put all of this work into going to school to get my license to be able to better myself and become stable… and that before I can even do that I am going to have it all ripped away from me. They have never cared about me going back to school. They do not support that decision at all. They think massage is a waste of time, and that I will never make any money doing it. Like the poor artist…
It’s because of them that I have 15 weeks left instead of 8… I am so upset and mad right now I just want to curl up and fucking cry. Why is it that when I try so hard to push myself in a good direction that everything around me wants to pull me back to hell?
Shocking as this sounds I actually do not have a lot of true friends, but that is okay with me.
For the friends that I have had for what seems like it could be forever or the ones that have recently walked into my life. Even though I may not always stay in contact my friends are my friends, and I will walk through hell for them.
If I call you my friend you are an important person to me, and I would lay my life down for yours.
[tab-yuh-luh rah-suh, -zuh, rey-; Latin tah-boo-lah rah-sah] Show IPA
1525–35; < Latin tabula rāsa scraped tablet, clean slate
Today, it has been exactly a year since my world was shattered by a man that I would have easily have laid my life down for. It has taken me a year to come to terms with that fact that he doesn’t deserve me, and probably never will. We are better part then we are together…
Though I need to thank him… because without him I wouldn’t…
- Have learned to be emotionally independent.
- Be almost finished with massage school.
Will I forget who I am without you? What is the ultimate emotional toll of seeing yourself more as half of a whole than an entity to be cultivated and loved and improved on its own? Does one fade further and further into dependency and compromise, a copy of a copy of a copy of the full person they used to be?
When I flew home from Texas the girl that I was died on that plane, and even though I didn’t know it at the time a woman was born. With a heart & soul of ice shrouded in mystery and pain. A woman that is scared to let anyone too close for fear that she won’t come back this time. A woman that doesn’t know if she can love a man the way she loved him again.
In the past year I have been in three different relationships which have taught me different things, but they all taught me how to become emotionally dependent. Some people may not understand why that is important, but when you live in an environment that is unhealthy mentally it begins to tax you physically. I live in such an environment, and without being able to learn how to shield myself from it I probably would be in a hospital right now.
Today… though is known as a tabula rāsa or clean slate beginning. I say that because today I was given a gift from a very good friend. A man that I have always admired, but have slowly began to care about more with each passing day. This man has stood by me the last year, and has made sure to check up on me from time to time. He was there each time I was in the darkness with little concern to his own. For me to consider him a good friend would probably be an insult to exactly how I feel about him.
The gift he gave me is the gift of his love…