The five love languages

So as of a few days ago me and Nick’s relationship hit the rocks. Though the bad part about it was I didn’t know we were in trouble until a few days ago which has me deeply troubled.

So here is how the plot unfolds… last year after we got back from Louisiana Nick express an interest in being engaged, and asked me to marry him nothing romantic just simply asked. I of course said yes… so when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas is wasn’t rocket science for me I simply wanted a ring. I didn’t care where it came from or if he got it out of a bubble gum machine. I wanted a token of his affections for me. So I began sending him links to rings that I liked in hopes that he would understand.

Though in doing this I put pressure on him that I wasn’t truly aware that I was doing. So when he went to actually buy my ring he felt like he had to not, because he wanted to. He felt like he was obligated to get it, and in feeling that it pushed him away from me from what I can tell.

He did get me a ring, but it’s a promise ring that shows me that he loves me. Though, it’s not an engagement ring. He told me that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. That he loves me, but he isn’t sure that he wants to be with me forever. I was crushed… I went into a panic attack worse than I have had in a very long time.

I left the house and walked 2.5 miles in the cold really thinking about everything. At the end I knew that I still loved him though I was deeply hurt. At first I didn’t know what I should do.

We decided that we are just boy friend and girl friend. We are no longer in a Master/slave relationship… we aren’t in a D/s relationship, and I am not longer wearing his collar… I feel naked and exposed beyond belief. I don’t know how to act around him at all right now.

He told me that he feel like I’m smothering him… We talked a lot… We decided that it’s best if we don’t have sex right now, because he feels like sometimes that is all that I want from him. I don’t want him to feel that way so I agreed…. I’m not sure how long this will last, or if we will ever be fine again.

Sunday, at church I bought two books the first being, “The five love languages: singles edition by; Gary Chapman. The second being the married version. I’m currently reading the singles edition.

In reading this book I believe that it has given me a lot of insight into what I should have been doing. Though… it’s not going to help unless I get the ability to put what I’m learning into action

I haven’t been truly sleeping the last couple nights… the nightmares have been horrible. I have been having nightmares that I haven’t had since we got together. I can feel him with drawing from me, and I know as of right now there is nothing that I can do about it. I feel powerless and insecure right now, because I know that anything I do will just be seen as smothering him more.

So for now I have decided just to give him his space while I read and reflect on myself. I’m praying more now then I ever have, and all that I can hope is that he gives me another chance…

I know that his biggest problem is that he feels like I don’t love him, because I don’t listen to him. Though, it’s not that I don’t listen… I just don’t do it good enough. Generally I half listen doing something else at the same time. I’m too ADD most of the time and I forget the things that he is trying to tell me.