To my Kerrin

It’s been over a week since we decided to take a break, and during that week I have spent a lot of time in meditation. I have also talked to a lot of people more wise then myself…

When I found you I wasn’t looking for you. I wasn’t looking for anyone, but your smile changed all that. One smile from you, one  look from your eyes, and I was lost.

I still am…

I tried so hard not to love you, not to want you, because I didn’t want to get hurt again. I swore I after I left Nick that I would never fall in love again. I would never let anyone hurt me again. That smile though… and what I saw in your eyes… simply changed everything. Even after all this time, that smile still changes everything.

Though… now that the smile has been redirected, and all I see is confusion and pain in your eyes. I promised you that I would never hurt you, and I broke that promise. I see now there is no way to mend the damaged that I caused you.

Yes, I could argue back, and say that you hurt me too… though you never promised not to. I promised to protect to, but all I ended up doing was just causing you pain and strife.

The pain within myself is all self infected. I was so stupid for trusting him… for walking into a place with him when I knew that I shouldn’t have. I put myself in that position, and then I blamed you when you were upset with me. I see now that was wrong, and I take the full responsibility for getting myself hurt.

Instead of coming to you directly after it happened. I tried to make myself believe that it didn’t happen. That the person that I trusted had not done what he did. It was my choice to lock it in a box and hide it away, and let the pain slowly fester.

Then, barely a month later you get hurt. I wasn’t there to stop it. I couldn’t do anything to make it better. Truth be told all I did was make it worse by trying to push intimacy with you. I was selfish when you needed me to be your anchor, and words can not express how sorry that I am.

If it was not for me pushing you as hard as I was things could have been a lot different. Though, now you have found a girl that makes you happy. I don’t know if she will make you happy forever, but I am grateful that she has been there for you when I could not be.

While it pains me in ways I have no idea how to even begin to convey through this letter. I have come to the decision to walk away. I will always love you, and will always do my best to be there as a friend when you need me. Though, I know now in the situation that we are currently in there is no way to fix our relationship without hurting those around us. I truly believe that if we are meant to be that we will find our way back to each other eventually though.

I also want you to know that I am so grateful for the time that we spent together. I have grown more as a women with you then in any other relationship that I have ever been in. When I am sad or depressed your words still whisper through my mind.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.

– Rachel

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~ by Snow on November 14, 2013.

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