My week…

Tuesday, my world came apart. I told the girl that I have been with that I wanted to talk to her. So we sat down and started talking. I told her that I wasn’t happy in our relationship, because of the lack on intimacy. Though, this is not completely her fault. Roughly two months ago when she was in Atlanta she was sexually attacked.

Well since then our relationship has completely changed… She completely shut me out. I feel like she doesn’t trust me anymore, and that isn’t helping me continue to open up to her about my feelings. She says that she wants me to talk with her, but when I do she instantly become defensive…

Well either way she took the entire day to decide what we needed to do and sent me this. After… I went home… which I did not appreciate at all.

“hey… i really have done my best to think about this, and I honestly feel as though we need to just be friends, i just do not seeing the issues being fixed at this time, and if we want even the semblance of a chance in the future, we need to be better friends before anything else can happen. I know this hurts, and I am sorry about that, but you told me to go with what I believe is right. we can still be friends, i don’t want you to fuck off or anything like that at all, but i honestly do feel that our relationship cannot continue until all issues have been addressed of both parties and fixed. I truly am sorry, but I request to be released from your collar”

To me this looks like she just wanted to let me down easy… This caused me to fall into a horrible spiral of depression and not give a damn about myself let alone anyone else around me.

It does not help that we are in a poly relationship and that I had began to feel unwanted…

 Well during my spiral my now not girl friend’s… girlfriend ex messaged me. He was concerned about me. I was already talking to another one of my friend who was telling me that I just needed to get out and go have fun. So I needed up talking to her ex all night to keep myself sane, and to keep from being stupid.

So the next day [Wednesday] when I woke up feeling horrible again I instantly called him back in desperation, and not wanting to bother my estranged lover… So when he invited me to spend the day with him… I just decided to go for it.

At this point I felt like I was dead inside. It didn’t matter that she just wanted a break. All that I felt at this point was that she was slipping away from me. Part of me felt like spending time with him might upset her and hers, but at that point the only thought that was running through my head was, “she can’t break up with me again.”

So he picked me up from the school and we went to the dock first. We just sat there for a few hours as I cried and vented. A part of me just wanted to slip into the waters below my feet and just never come back out, and maybe that might sound over dramatic to some… though when I left my ex I swore I would never fall in love again. I would never say it again…

Then she danced and sang her way into my heart, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with her smile. She just made me so happy. Being with her was like no other person I have ever been with. I am so over the moon phase emotions, but I didn’t have those with her. We simply just clicked on an intimate level that neither one of us truly understood.

Next, I went with him to pick out a new pair of glasses since he had broken his the previous day, which was a good thing since he definitely needed my help. At some point during that a song came on that made me re spiral, and he asked me where I would like to go. So I told him where, “earth meets the water” so he granted my request by taking me to West Ashley park which was fairly close by.

I continued to just simply vent, and talk to him. At some point during this I started to just really connect with him. So I leaned into and just let him hold me. It felt amazing to cry in someones arms. I just let everything go, and just let the pain take me. It crippled me to the point I could no longer stand. So I just sat in his arms in front of the water as the sun began to dip down. I vaguely remember thinking that this was probably wrong, but then all the pain just flooded back into me.

I turned music on my phone on, and he began to softly sing to me. He told me that she stilled loved me. That I was just being silly, and that she was going to come back to me. That there was no way she would ever let me go. I didn’t believe him… I felt so unwanted and dirty.

Dirty, not because of him or her, but because of my past with my ex’s. It felt like once again no one wanted me. That I was soiled somehow. Maybe that there was this invisible smell that was coming from me that I couldn’t notice or something…

Either way at some point I simply shut down my sadness. I let it swallow my heart and locked it away. At this point I became increasing aware of him holding me. He wasn’t touching me inappropriately at all… My sense’s came alive, and I simply wanted.

I feel that my body simply was shutting down and going to it’s most simplistic primal functions.  I turned my head into his neck and decided to bite him. I felt his entire body tense with extreme need and want. It felt like his blood was dancing for me.

I will let your imagination figure out what happened next. Though, I will say that no penetration occurred.

So Thursday came, and I went to see her. I wasn’t sure if she would even want to see me. She had after all told me that she wanted her space. Though she had posted something that made me worry about her. I was already on my way to the school. I was invited to hang out with him and friends that night.

I told her what had happened with him the night before. She was not pleased… Though if it was anyone else it would not have bothered her one bit. I guess that is how that generally works though isn’t it? We ended up having the worst fight that we have ever had…

I was so upset that a lot of it is now nothing more then a blur of emotions to me. The one thing that stands out the most was when she threw my rape in my face at some point… I almost threw up it sickened me so bad.

She hates that I didn’t come to her immediately… but how could I? At the time I felt so lost. I didn’t know how to handle the emotions at all. I started trying to tell myself that it was consensual… nothing bad happened. Eventually that illusion fell away.

I ended up tearing my hand up punching a tree during our argument. It felt bitter sweet, because at least I knew that physical pain could still be felt through all that was flowing through me.

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~ by Snow on November 8, 2013.

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