The story of my abusive marriage…

*Not for the faint of heart, and is not 100% in order. I will simply be word vomiting and letting it appear as it flows out of me. This piece is going to take some time for the entire story to come out. As the nightmares surface I will add more, and send the updated link to the people that really need to read this. *

The seven years before February 2013 I was in two different abusive relationships. The first being a man that I married in June of 2006. A friend of mine actually got us together. Though at the time that she introduced us he lived in Virginia at the time, and I lived in South Carolina.  For us that was no big deal we talked on the phone or via email for hours a day. We would talk on the phone till we would fall a sleep… and then we would wake up still talking to each other. Little did I know at the time little that what he told me was actually true.

I told him all about the lifestyle that I lived. So he knew very well that I was pansexual and poly. He told me that he hadn’t explored into the lifestyle very much, but that he was also very interested in it. He even thought that he could be a Dominant.

Well as time went by we decided that we really wanted to see each other. So during spring break he came down for two weeks to stay with me. How I managed to convince my parents to let that occur I truly no longer remember. It happened though, and during that time we would stay out late and he would make love to me under the stars in the back of his truck.

When Spring break ended he returned home, and I was so young I didn’t want to be without him. So I finished up my GED courses past with flying colors and moved to Virginia to be with him. We stayed in Virginia for around 4 months. We were both working, but his mother didn’t like how our relationship had progressed so she kicked us both out. We went to stay at his Dad’s for a while, but it was simply too small.

By this point my parents missed me terribly and wanted me to come back home. Though, they wouldn’t allow him to live with me unless we were married so young and stupid like we were that is exactly what we did.

We ended up living with my parents for almost two years before he finally was able to get us a place. He was horrible with money and would constantly spend it on video games and things that he liked. Though, he would barely give me any. My parents saw us as married so they stopped buying me things. We needed to supply our own bathroom items and etc. They would simply feed us and let us live there. Though, we were paying them rent at the time as well.

As time went by he began to become very emotionally abusive towards me. At first he didn’t want me to work at all. Then when I did start working all the money was put into one account, and I wasn’t allowed to touch it. He refused to allow me to go to school saying that it would just be a giant waste of money. Even though he always had at least two cars he wouldn’t put one in my name for fear I would leave.

If I wanted something it would never happen. If I needed something I would literally have to beg him for it. Then even though my size and weight never changed he began to withdraw from sex, and would tell me things like he just wasn’t in the mood. Then… he would tell me I was too fat. He stopped buying food other then things he knew that I wouldn’t eat. This is when I started going days without eat, and even began vomiting up food if I felt that I ate too much.

So my weight became a very big deal to me. So even now I don’t eat that much. I rarely ask for food, and when I do if it is ignored I won’t eat for a few days… I simply feel that if you ignored that I needed to eat.. then you are saying I am fat. I don’t make myself vomit anymore… I just don’t eat.

When sex would happen it was no longer making love it was mean sex. He was very long, and he would repeatedly hit my cervix over and over. He would use my love of bondage as a way to lure me in. He would tie my hands to the bed and he would take me for hours. He didn’t stop til I would either pass out or begin to bleed. When I would curl up crying he would yell at me, and tell me that this was my fault it was what I wanted. I wanted a man that would hurt me. I was after all a masochist.

I can not confirm or deny this also may have been the reason that my cervix weakened and I lost my twins. Though not even 12 hours before I lost the first we had sex just like this…

This was true enough… I did and do want a Dominant. I do want to be hurt… but not like that. All I ever wanted was a Dominant gentleman to guide me and love me. One that would make me beg and scream, but no where the lines where. He didn’t care though… I was “HIS”

Then, he started to self hate himself. He loved to dress up in girls clothes, and I thought it was pretty hot… my bad. Since, I accepted him unconditionally when he would dress up… I would get punished for it.

My lifestyle made me a freak to him… even though he knew about it before marry. I became a sex craved nympho that didn’t love him I just wanted sex…. even though at the point I began to hate sex was when he began to love it, and want more and more.

He didn’t allow me to take another partner even though he knew what I was. He didn’t care I was “HIS” and that was all there was too it.

My hair… was to be kept long so that he could use it. He would pull at it constantly. It didn’t matter when… He would grab me by it and pull me to the floor and yank me around and laugh and laugh…

I began to think that I was losing my sanity. I would tell him things, but he would swear over and over that I didn’t say that… or that event never happened. Since, I also have the gift of a seer I began to question what was truly happening. You will learn about this later, but Nick did this as well. So I stopped knowing what truly happened. My mind truly has holes in like Swiss cheese where I can no longer remember what happened. So when I am questioned about my abuse and I can’t give an exact time line… and people look at me like oh sure you just making that up… I just break down. I lose all control to rationalize what happened to me, because I can’t just sit here and go ABCDEFG like a normal person.

When the fights began he would always win. I didn’t realize that it was a giant game to him… or the fact that I was losing till it was far to late. Even before I married him screaming at me has already been a trigger for me. My father is old navy, and if he got mad he would scream at me… I can’t remember much else, but now when someone screams at me, or even around me I shut down. My reality implodes and I fall into pieces. I will try to run… I don’t know where I am going, and have ended up passed out miles away at times. He knew this and would use it against me. He would scream at me causing me to run, and generally he would trap me in a corner. Didn’t matter that he was smaller then me that man could pin me down in a heart beat.

So he would scream at me every time I would try to simply talk and walk things out with him causing me to shut down. He would corner me till I began to finally fight back, and of course he would end up covered in bruises… so I became the one abusing him… It was always my fault.

At one point I wanted to study to get my certificate so that I could substitute teach. He told me that he would support me… that everything would be great. Well every time I sat down to study, or I had a test coming up shit would always hit the fan. It never failed something was always wrong, and of course it was always my fault. The week of my exams he invited his family up for the week. So I had people screaming, laughing, talking, and etc all around me. He didn’t care that I was ADD and he knew I couldn’t study in that condition. When I tried to leave to go to the library I got something to the effect of you will abandon our guests? More fighting…

Money… it was his… it didn’t matter if he was sitting on his ass at home, and I was working 2-3 jobs it was still his. I would constantly try to hide money from him, but if he found it he would do something to make me pay for it. Like once again not buy groceries, or not allow me to get new panties even though all of mine had holes and were falling apart. I had to steal makeup if I wanted to wear any, because he would not buy it at all.

He would buy cars fix them… and I mean spend thousands of dollars to fix them, and then sell them off for a grand or two. He would buy shit constantly for his video games addict. Like in-game currency, better gear, and other shit. Once he spent 800.00 on a new account all together. He even bought a car without telling me…

The last straw was the last Thanksgiving that we were together. I woke up so sick that I could barely stand. He spent the entire day up my ass screaming at me to cook faster for him and his step father that had come to visit us. In between cooking I was vomiting in the toilet. If I tried to complain he didn’t console me… he would simply flip it around to how “hard” he had been working, and that he was hurting more then I even thought I was.

3 months later I moved away…


~ by Snow on November 4, 2013.

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