True Neutral

Today, I learned something about myself I already knew, but I didn’t know how far I would take it.

  • I do not like to hurt others.
  • In doing that I will hurt myself
  • If it will make someone else happy.
  • Even though they may not deserve it.
  • I tend to always stay neutral, and I don’t deviate from this usually.
  • I do not like to fight.
  • I do not like drama.
  • I definitely do not like to cause drama

Though today in staying neutral I did just that. I caused pain to someone that does not deserve it, and I caused drama in our relationship. This was found out when I accidentally told something that was told to me in confidence to another. Though, I was forgiven for that in the process of sorting everything out she found out how neutral I am, and it hurt her. Instead of standing up for myself and her I just stood and took it.

Looking at it from an outside perspective I know why, but I feel like it is an excuse… though I will explain it any how…. When I was with Nick he could easily be considered a glass cannon. During our relationship everything that I said and did I was constantly walking on glass. His moods would constantly switch he would be supportive of something one minute and be chewing me out for the same choice he just praised a few minutes later.

I thought… that I had gotten better. Though, I feel with everything that has been happening with my kajira’s girlfriend… well I have been walking on glass again. I think that was what really set me back into a “submissive neutral” mind space. That’s why when I was being hurt I didn’t lash back. Then, when the cannon was pointed at my kajira even though it upset me I still didn’t do anything.

I was too busy trying to be neutral, trying to keep calm, trying to keep the peace, but I should have stood up for myself and her. Instead of letting both of us get hurt.

Though, now that I see it, and it has been brought to my complete attention it won’t be happening again. I don’t care who I piss off. I will not let myself or her be hurt by anyone anymore.

So yes this means once again I am recreating myself. So I do not know who will come out in the end. I don’t know if you will recognize me, but I do believe that it is for the best.

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~ by Snow on August 2, 2013.

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