Breathe

I am staying June 1-7 at a friends house to pet sit. This is giving me time to re-energize and decompress. I have been so stressed out with everything that it was starting to make me physically weaken and ill, and being here away from all of it is helping so much. In coming here it is giving me a chance to have some just me time. I am glad for the opportunity to be able to meditate and just figure out everything that has been changing so quickly in my life.

Starting with this is the first time since I was 18 that I do not have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband. There is no one that I get to come home to. I have no one to keep me warm and safe during the night, and I find that scary. I do not have someone really dictating who and what I am or should be. Yeah, my parents try to, but I learned long ago how to ignore them and simply be me.

When you have roughly six years with someone the concept of being alone is a very scary one. I guess this is why so many people hop from relationship to relationship, cling onto one when they know that it is failing, and just let themselves grow cold within a relationship that has become more harsh then loving. Yes, there are ways to improve all of the above though… it can only improve if both parties want it to. If one or the other is simply done… then there is no way to change it.

When I finally left my husband it was after 2 years of trying to bring us closer. I did the fire proof challenge at least 4 times. I have read the love langues books… I prayed, went to talk to pastors, even went to marriage counseling that he never attended, and at the end of the day he just did not care. All he wanted was to play games and continue to gain happiness from my misery, and it took a long time for me to understand that. Then, still even longer to leave.

Then, in my last relationship it took us both a long time to realize we just were not meant for each other. Know matter how much that knowledge hurts it is not something I can change or wish away. Though, because of him I have become a better person.

Last, I am changing careers completely. I left the school I was in and will going to a new school to start classes to become a massage therapist. So at the top of July I plan to take one more break from the world before I start school, because for the next 9 months once it begins I plan to be very dedicated to it.

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~ by Snow on June 2, 2013.

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