Broken circle

The official court date for the divorce is June 22nd 2012 at 11am. Which is a week before we would have been married for 5 years. Currently, I’m still here wondering just how much of an accident that is? Did he actually have a choice in the court date or was that what was assigned to him?

Over the past couple days I have been fighting with my emotions.

  • Part of me is glad that it is almost over.
  • Part of me wishes that it had never started.
  • Part of me misses him like crazy.
  • Some of me wonders if he has truly changed.

 

Though, I know a lot of these thoughts aren’t truly my own. While we were together he abused me mentally to the point that I really didn’t know who I was any more. It took Arokh a long time to “fix” me. Sad part is I don’t even remember a lot of what was wrong with me.

I remember…

  • He couldn’t touch my hair without me flinching.
  • I never would buy anything without asking.
  • Not eating for fear that we would run out of food, and there wouldn’t be more for weeks.
  • Having to re-learn to make noise when I cum.
  • How to not fake an orgasm.
I still….
  • Am scared to drive.
  • I freak out when I’m in the car with someone expecting them to start screaming at me.
  • I still ask permission to buy things with my own money sometimes.

I know there is soo much more, but since I’ve have taken a few pretty hard hits to the head I can’t remember everything so good any more.

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~ by Snow on April 25, 2012.

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