I won’t cry

Happy Yule Everyone,

                 Today, Nick is currently flying to Louisiana for his Grandmothers funeral tomorrow. At this moment he should be almost to Atlanta where he has a layover, and will be able to call and check in on me. He won’t be home until late Christmas night.   So I will be pretty much alone for the next four nights. He made me promise that I wouldn’t cry, and that if I did he would punish me for it. I know that he won’t punish me, and that he just doesn’t want me to cry. Which so far I’m succeeding at… though the minutes are ticking by, and I’m losing my self control.

I almost broke down inside the airport when he walked through security. When he finished he turned, waved, and blew me a kiss then continued on where I couldn’t follow him without a ticket. Part of me just wanted to run to him, and the other just to stand there and cry. I thought about waiting and watching his plane leave, but I know I couldn’t handle that emotionally so I left the airport and went to Walmart to buy him a Christmas present praying for time to pass quickly.

As I sit and wait for the time for him to get to Atlanta and call me I feel the tears and emotions welling up inside of me, and it’s really hard to keep them at bay. The only thing that is helping is closing my eyes breathing deeply while counting down from 10 and repeating I’m a strong independent women over and over in my head. Though, the voices in the back of head are whispering, “you wish” the entire time.

With Jon he knocked me down so low I didn’t think I could live without him. Nick stands by me and supports me. He wants me to be a strong independent self sufficient women. Though, part of me wonders if I truly can ever be that, and do I want to be that? I love Nick as my Master, and I love being his slave. I will never be a door mat though why is it bad that I’m dependent on him?

I want to finish my education and start on my career though I don’t ever truly want control of our relationship. I want him to be my everything. I know I will have my own money, but I think of that as an allowance that he gives me. To some this might sound beyond strange, but to me this is just right. To me he is my Master, and I his slave. I have my own mind and my opinion matters to him, but to me his word is law. I don’t go against it without a damn good reason, and even then I tell him and face what might happen.

I can’t wait to be sitting in the Airport Sunday night fidgeting and waiting patiently for him. Him coming back to me loving me just as much as more then when he left will be my Christmas present.


~ by Snow on December 21, 2011.

2 Responses to “I won’t cry”

  1. Stay strong, you can do it. *hugs hugs* ♥ And I apologize for not commenting on earlier posts. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately, one thing gets focused on and another thing gets neglected. I’m trying to de-stress but…I end up stressing over other things, lol. 😛

    *more hugs* Blessed Yule. 🙂

  2. It’s alright I know what it’s like around Christmas.

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