Walking on roses and ashes in history

Almost a year ago I finally left Jonathan my currently estranged husband after a year of battling the decision in my head and heart. My heart finally won, and ever since then I have been walking on roses. I’m not going to say that everything has been smooth sailing and just peachy, because it hasn’t by far. Me and Nick have had it pretty rough, but he has been an unshakable force in my life that is constantly lifting me up. In my heart he is nothing more then my life mate, my Dominant, my best friend, my guardian angel, and my knight in shining armor.  Some women look for their prince, but I have mine.

Since then though so much has changed in my life. I have an amazing man in my life, and a possible second amazing man on the horizon. I have discovered so much about myself in my personal journey. I’m currently walking a year and a day path to seek my religious path now that I know who I am.  I’m now a student in college something that 3 years of being with Jon never accomplished.

Jonathan would constantly knock me down every time I brought it up. I left school a year and a half early getting my GED instead of my HSD, because I started having anxiety issues along with panic attacks. At the time my parents thought I was just calling at for attention. Since, they don’t believe I could possibly have any kind of mental disorder even though they both have the same thing -_- either way I tried multiple times to explain it to him. He would constantly call me a drop out, and tell me that if I started college I would either get stressed out and quiet or I would simply fail out. He didn’t consider me smart what so ever. Well I have been in college for six months now and I’m sitting on a 3.6 cumulative undergraduate degree.  Something that I’m beyond proud of.

When I left Jonathan I was somewhere around 280-290lbs at my heaviest today I currently weight 210lbs and have for the last two months consecutively. My face is thinning down. I just simply feel happier and obviously healthier. I’m trying to make better decision on what and how I eat. Though, most of the weight I lost was from eating. With Jonathan eating one meal a day was too much for him. He constantly told me I ate too much, or that I should try to lose weight. Which no matter what I didn’t happen.

As you all know recently me and Nick moved into our own apartment which took us almost a year and a half to accomplished, but accomplish it we did. Now we have our own internet connection as well so I don’t have to be as stressed about getting my school work done. Since, I won’t have to go to McDonald’s to do it anymore. We are slowly gaining in furniture and appliances.  Right now the only things we really need is a Microwave and a big laundry hamper, but we can live without them for now.

Though, the biggest thing was while I was with him I didn’t understand how bad Jonathan was fucking with my head till I finally left him. How much mental abuse and degradation that I had been going through for all that time. Though I know now, because I’m still suffering from a lot of it. Nick has helped me with a lot of it, but I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from all of it.  My theme through my entire recovery for the last year is I will not let him have any more power over me, and it’s been helping and working amazingly.

I’m learning that the money is ours and if I need something to buy it. I don’t have to ask or beg for anything anymore. I can eat without fear of us not having food and having to beg for more. I don’t have to worry about my size. I know that I’m loved now, and I don’t have to question it. I even beginning to believe that I am beautiful at least to Nick. I’ll admit to being damn cute for now. I know that Nick is okay that I’m pansexual and poly which is something I struggled with so much with Jonathan. He not only didn’t believe in it, but he would call me a freak and everything else under the sun because of it. I don’t have to deny my kinks and fetishes. Nick will never deny me sex and honestly loves to see in bliss under him.

In the next couple months when my taxes come in I will be getting myself a small car, and I will be filing for a divorce from Jonathan. This will be the critical point of my successes. Since, he told me that I would never file let alone that even if I did would he sign it. He told me that he will never let me go, and that I will have to be miserable with him forever. I don’t plan to let that happen at all, and at the soonest point that I can will be filing.

In the 3 years of being married to Jonathan he has had over a dozen different cars, trucks, and jeeps not one was ever put into my name. He didn’t trust that I wouldn’t leave him the second I had something of worth to myself. So having my own car that Nick is helping me get will give me back my independence and I will gain more self confidence from it.

Me and Nick’s D/s relationship dynamic has become a M/s relationship dynamic over the last two months. He wants to formally collar me when we can afford the ceremony, and I can’t wait. I consider a collaring to be more special and more religious to me then a wedding ceremony. This won’t just be a piece of paper that binds our words, but a binding of our souls together forever. I will never take another Master, and I will never submit to anyone else at the level I give him. He is mine as much as I am his, and that suits me just fine.

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~ by Snow on December 11, 2011.

4 Responses to “Walking on roses and ashes in history”

  1. It’s amazing and Kudos to you for coming so far. I’m so happy to have seen you cheer up and enjoy life so much more and eagerly wait to see everything go well for you and Arokh. Best of wishes to you both!

  2. you are such an inspiration and i am so happy for your change and your decision to finally take hold of your life and leave your ex husband. It fills me with complete hope that i can also change my life. I wish you all the happiness in the world.. 🙂
    please do check out my blog.. 🙂
    http://chicwithwords.wordpress.com/

    • Thank you so much. Your blog is very inspiring as well I wish I could write poetry even half as good as you.

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