Ever since I lost my twins almost four years again now I have desperately wanted children. I haven’t wanted to steal anyone else’s so I know I’m not crazy…. Though, for the longest time I couldn’t even walk past the children section in any store or I would break down into tears. I spent 2 1/2 years trying with my estranged husband, and 9 months with my boyfriend Nick…. well we aren’t trying…. though we haven’t been not trying either.

All of this medical news so close to my twins birth day has caused the night mares to flare up to an uncontrollable rate. It seems that every time I close my eyes I see them.  I have relieved every moment of the hospital each night/day now for the last week or so.  Sleep deprived is currently an under statement….

I’m so scared that I’m not going to be able to ever give birth to my own children. Nick doesn’t have any problems with adoption, but… I want to birth my own. I want the magical experience that was ripped away from me so quickly when I lost my girls. I don’t want to consider myself to be broken… though I know that in my heart that I do.


~ by Snow on December 6, 2011.

One Response to “Obsession”

  1. I lost my daughter in an accident when I was 21, and it all but killed me inside. It damn near broke me. It has taken years to find peace with it, knowing that having her would have drastically changed my life, and not in a good way. When I was 24, I was blessed with my son, and it is the greatest thing that has happened to me.

    The only words of wisdom I can offer you is to take your time. I’m 30 now, and it still hurts. And remember that things happen in our lives for a reason, and you will be graced with a child whenever it is that you are supposed to have one. I was not supposed to have my daughter. It would have tied me to her father forever, and that would have been all bad. But the universe gave me my son when I was safe. And I know in my heart that you and Nick will have your child when the time is right for you. Just worry about getting healthy enough to take care of a baby, because they will drain you, and you need your strength. TRUST ME.

    I’m sending you both hugs, and prayers for clarity and guidance.

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